The Undiagnosed ADHD.

There is undeniably a huge rise, or so it appears to me, in women hitting 40 and seeking answers for ADHD traits. The more I look into ADHD, the more I recognise these traits have actually, always been apparent. Through my teenage years I struggled immensely through school. Not from lack of intelligence, but because, I just could not keep focus on anything for long enough. Boredom, agitation and an overwhelming need for excitement would just take over. I knew I understood the work, but unless I had a real interest in it, I found it impossible to sit and focus. I was constantly that girl who distracted others, be up and about back chatting teachers and causing a commotion just to be the centre of attention and take the focus away from having to sit still and concentrate. A common theme on the school reports was ‘Jennifer is incredibly intelligent, but she chooses not to apply it’. I suppose to a degree this is actually rather true and a theme which I’ve carried throughout my life. To really tap into my full potential would mean I would have to sit still and focus on one thing long enough to see real results. With age and hormones, this is only getting harder to do.

The last few months have sent me on yet another Soul Searching Mission. Spending a lot of time reflecting on my past, my behaviours, the way I show up in my career and relationships. A common theme for me is how difficult I find it to really sit in the mundane. How easily I get bored and how difficult I find it to focus on one thing for long. It’s as though my brain is wired the same as my daughter’s happy little cocker spaniels at times. Needing constant stimulation or excitement and if it doesn’t get it, I’m bouncing off the walls like a hyperactive kangaroo. Hyper focus on one area with no interest in any other area, until the boredom hits with the subject I’ve stuck my mind to. This is great for getting new ideas off the ground, I can knuckle down and won’t stop until I’ve done exactly what I’ve set out to do. However, once said thing has been achieved, then I need to remain just as excited and passionate about it to maintain it. Which is often the most difficult part, as my brain will then race around once again, like that crazy cocker spaniel, seeking stimulation which doesn’t happen in the mundane once the new routine has fully kicked in. When in hyper focus I need routine and structure, when the brain gets bored, the routine will suffocate me and I’ll do everything to escape it.

A recent journey I have now started is the journey to sobriety. I have noticed for a good few years now, I will either be wanting to be out with my friends, drinking and dancing on tables to let my hair down. Or I will be in the polar opposite energy and spend my time hugging trees living a sober life. This has granted me the title with my friends as ‘Tree hugging Lyndsey Lohan’. All fun and games when we’re young enough for this lifestyle to be acceptable. However, as I’m now the grand old age of 42 and navigating my way through perimenopause, the impact the crazy nights create are really not worth the short lived laughter anymore. It appears to be a common issue for those with ADHD traits to struggle with knowing when to stop drinking. As we chase that dopamine fix, constantly wanting the buzz of the high, then not been able to handle the impact of the low. Forever battling through to try and find a natural balance within myself, which is impossible when you put drinking into the mix of things. There is no doubt in my mind that I am happiest when I’m completely sober. Any stage of been in the party lifestyle has been when I have been running from something I was not quite ready to face. Which is highly ironic, as I teach and preach self awareness, mindfulness and meditation to anybody who will listen. However, as I would tell anybody who I was working with, the universe will keep sending you the same lesson until you finally accept where YOU need to change.

Real self awareness is never an easy journey. It takes a huge amount of reflection and sitting in some pretty uncomfortable truths about yourself at times. The journey I’ve been on while identifying just how ‘ADHD’ I actually am, has been a bit chaotic to say the least. It really has required me to dig deep into self and caused a major dark night of the soul. It’s never easy to look at where you, yourself, need to change, or work harder to be a better version of self. It’s far easier to place blame externally on those around you, situations or environments you’ve been in. The truth is though, ADHD or no ADHD, trauma or no trauma, hormones, relationships whether they are right or wrong for you, the only person who can make you a better version of self is YOU. The only way to create a happier, more fulfilling life for yourself is by doing the inner work and taking the required action to get the life you truly want. We can’t blame the way we are on others. We can identify how the actions of others trigger us into feeling or acting a certain way. We can identify the patterns and accept that maybe our brain works in certain ways, e.g ADHD, but ultimately it is our own responsibility to ensure the environment and lifestyle choices suit the way we are. If we constantly go against the grain of what we actually need in life to feel secure and settled, we will only ever live in survival mode. We will forever be battling the internal conflict, the up’s and the downs and wondering why we struggle to fit ourselves in a space that does not fit our shape.

I haven’t bothered going down the diagnosis route of ADHD and to be honest I aren’t sure whether I ever will. I can’t imagine myself going down the pharmaceutical route for this, so if I did, it would purely be for further understanding. However, the way I see things, is the best way to understand ourselves is by going within. A label won’t change who we are. The most important thing in life is learning to love yourself, warts an all. To learn what’s right for you, what doesn’t fit and been strong enough in your own identity to alter your environment accordingly.

So, for anybody else out there who is processing that you may have ADHD, my advice to you, be authentically YOU! Do not dull yourself to fit in, if you do that, then the environment isn’t yours. Alter accordingly and remove what makes you feel worse in life. Make the most of the productive days. Enjoy the rest on the down days. On the days when life is one big silly, dancing, extravaganza, entertain! The world needs your high on life, funny, eccentric beautiful soul.

The right people for you would not have you any other way.

Much love,

Jen x